'Come And See a Man Die'
script
© Sulayman Al-Bassam, 1997
'Come And See a Man Die' was first performed in an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of Dijon, France, as part of the VIII Rencontres Internationales de Theatre.
CAST:
Everyman- Neil Edmond
Conductor- Ken Collard
Woman- Laura Sheppard
Man- Charles Abomeli
Chance- Marit
Lyngra
Director: Sulayman Al-Bassam
Scenographer: Virginie Gervaise
Assistant Director: Sian Stevenson
Produced by: Zaoum Theatre & The National Theatre of Dijon- Burgundy.
Characters:
Everyman
The Conductor
Chance, a musician
Man
Woman
The following are cameo parts to be played by the above:
Woman-with-Rose
Man-with-stick
Walter- a husband
Sylvia- a wife
Future Perfect- a daughter
Fidel Castro
Giacomo- a gangster
Tiger- a broad
A Mermaid
Lars Arsesson- a monstrous oil engineer
Guntha- a Coca Cola salesman
Theatre Technician
Savetta- Everyman's wife
A Blind beggar
This piece was first performed in a large warehouse in an industrial zone, on the outskirts of the city of Dijon, in France. The space was transformed into a makeshift film studio prepared for the making of a snuff movie. There were several playing areas, pieces of Everyman's crashed car moved ominously through the unlit areas and the audience sat at tables being served cocktails as in a cabaret.
Everyman's doppelganger (a doll) sits on a park bench above the central playing area, overlooking proceedings.
Scene 1:
Everyman is lying in a pool of blood on the floor. We understand that he has been in a car accident. He is delirious and has trouble enunciating his words. Sound of cars passing on the motorway.
A spotlight lights him and live music accompanies his dramatic acceleration towards the accident. He is 'on show'.
Everyman: Monstrous heavens do your worst! Clouds spew forth! Open your bellies and send down heavyweights - Mohammed Ali's- and bloody dreams. On such a black and deadly night I am made more than manly! Ka-boom, Ka-bish, Ka-baam, beware for I am Everyman! Oie, dirty bastard! Right, I'm feeding you to my fan belt! Trusty steed, begin, began, begone, let the chase be done! Hey, lookie, lookie - hitchers, ho-o! Oie! Coochie-coochie Hitchers! Cold tonight isn't it? Punks! Haha! Faster now, faster, horsepower ignite! After that cheeky bastard. 110...120...130!!! Speed, speed, O! More beautiful than the moon, more engrossing than popcorn- (sings the William Tell theme tune) Hey! What's the big idea? Put up your fists and turn down your lights, citizen; cockroach; opponent- turn 'em down! Hey! I can't see. Fellow man, brother beast, you're blinding me hey, hey AAAaaaaaaagh!
Scene 2:
Two figures dressed in garish presenter's costumes enter with microphones.
Everyman: What's happened to me?
Woman-with-rose: I saw it all, right down to the last detail, I saw it, it was fantastic, I mean it, it was so, so wow! Mister, are you OK?
Everyman: Who's there?
Woman: I mean, I love nature, earthquakes, lightning, tidal waves and all those things; but what you just did was something else.
Everyman: I saw the woods, I saw all the woods and trees and branches and birds thousands of birds in the sky.
Man-with-stick: Give it to him.
Woman: Yes!
Man & Woman: Congratulations!
Everyman: Thank you.
Man: You've won!
Woman: Who can believe it?
Man: Not I
Woman: Nor I- but it's true.
Man: Is it really him?
Woman: I don't know.
Man: Let's ask him.
Woman: Is it really you?
Man: Is it really you?
Everyman: Listen to me you lousy, infectious naturalists. Where am I? Money! is that what you want? Eh? Or are you a sect, who do you worship? Come on, out with it, who are your gods? Well you want to have me? No way! I work for a company: Work. Company. D'you hear ? I know up from down, right from wrong, left from right. I possess lashings of intelligence, pounds of muscle and moral fibre- keep still you freak-out fucking zombie and stop looking at the moon, stop looking at the moon!
Woman: Don't be afraid. Here, look, here's a rose; that counts as your invitation, so don't lose it.
Everyman: An invitation to what?
Woman: To tonight's Game Show, of course- you don't think this is an accident, do you?
Man: Do you think this is an accident?
Everyman: No.
Man: No.
Woman: You've heard of the Game Show?
Everyman: Sure, completely arbitrary choice of competitors, special invited audience, unbelievable prizes, a chance, a break, rebirth and the hype- ohh it's fantastic!
Woman: Well, you've been chosen.
Everyman: Me?
Woman: Now it's your turn.
Man: Because you're a very special kind of ordinary kind of nothing-special kind of man.
Everyman: The Game Show, eh ?
Man: Ha ha!
Woman: And everybody's waiting.
Man: Even the audience.
Everyman: But I can't go like this, look at me.
Woman: Everyone will understand- no, don't wipe the blood off- it'll show them how really keen you really are.
Everyman: A man has to be well presented; it's important- maybe even crucial.
Woman: Who cares what you look like?
Man: Ha ha!
Everyman: I refuse. I've got to go home and get cleaned up first, I look half-dead.
Woman: I refuse.
Everyman: Hey, it's my show, isn't it ? I've been chosen, haven't I? I'm the big, fat goose, the dude in the suit, the number one dinosaur and I call the shots. Besides, I've got blood all over my glasses and I can't see without them.
Woman: (to man) Well? Aren't you going to help him?
Man: Yes, I'd like to. Give 'em here, I'll fix them.
Man takes away Everyman's glasses and begins to prod him with his stick.
Everyman: Ow! Give me my glasses back!
Man: I'll fix them, I like fixing things.
Everyman: Ow, I tripped -ow-ow.
Woman: We're moving very fast now, it's wonderful.
Everyman: Give me them back, now! Or you can sod your Game Show. Lady, tell him to give me my glasses back. Ouch! Ow!
Woman: (pretending to whip the man) Give him his glasses back, you animal..
Man: Ouch! Ow! Don't beat me, I beg you.
Everyman: Yes, beat him, beat him, beat him!
Woman: I've beaten him good and hard. Give me your hand, your glasses are broken, but I'll help you.
Everyman: Ow- look, I'm going to go back to my car-
Woman: Your car's waiting for you at the studio.
Everyman: Just let me sit in my car and then dawn will come and someone will pass by on the motorway and help me and we could meet again tomorrow, maybe. Ow. Ow.
Woman: Would you like me to stay here with you?
Everyman: No. Go away, both of you go away and I'll stay here, all right? I don't like any of this.
Woman: Well, see you later. (turns and exits)
Everyman: Yeah, great, see you both later. Sorry about tonight. You're going that way and I'm going this way - that's great. FREAKS, BASTARDS !
Pause. Everyman, left alone, hears Game Show music in the distance and moves hesitantly towards it.
Scene 3:
Conductor: Tell them I am an idea. Tell them I am also a businessman. Tell them I will neither hurt them, nor do I care to know any of their identities. Assure them I am a man of taste and some learning, that ministers and men of power are proud when I eat at their = tables and drink with their women. Tell them that despite these things some of them will detest me and may even desire to kill me. I have done this over many nights, on the outskirts of many cities- around the ruins and the playgrounds of Europe- yet always for the benefit of the few : models with their tyrants, ambassadors with their whores and other men and women of the word and image have all witnessed what you will witness. (moves forward) Tonight, however is an experiment. You are, for the most part, uninvited and most of you are the result of the random play of chance. Chance is here tonight, personified in a young woman- Chance, say hello. I have no desire to allow you to witness a murder during the next hour and none of you need fear being accomplices to any acts of bodily harm. You are, however, here to witness the total and premeditated destruction of a man's life and should we enter the gardens of some madness, rich and bleak at the same time, I ask you now to pick all the flowers that please you. All events like all events will be played in real time. Let tonight be your privilege and I, believe me, am pleased to be your host.
Scene 4: Round 1: Sitcom, Castro and Magic Polaroids.
Game Show music.
On a raised television platform a sitcom is played out that Everyman is invited to observe, decode and eventually participate in.
Everyman: Taught that hillbilly, moon-worshiping, goat-ramming peasant some etiquette. This must be the studio- smells like a studio. What's all this?
A light emerges above a sitting room in an apartment. The Conductor, now playing Walter, the fat husband, is sat in the easy chair, reading a tabloid. The daughter, Future Perfect, is in the centre of the room, tapping on a xylophone that acts as the 'time keeper of the scene.
Woman-with- rose: (handing Everyman a microphone) Your time starts... Now!
She moves into the apartment and plays the role of the Wife, Sylvia. Sylvia is practising her typing and office skills, miming the desk, typewriter and telephone.
Walter: This article's fantastic!
Sylvia: (answering her switchboard) Cheech & Chong, Sylvia speaking, how can I help you? Hold, please; thank you!
Everyman: Looks like some sort of soap opera-
Walter: It's called 'How To Prevent Your Neighbour From Murdering You'. It's all about murderers...
Everyman: Great!
Sylvia: (answering her switchboard) Cheech & Chong, Sylvia speaking, how can I help you?
Walter: ...what sort of hours they keep, what kind of television programmes they watched when they were baby murderers; what kind of junk food they get off on; how to spot them by their colour schemes. We need to know more stuff like this, to protect our families and our children. This article's fantastic! It's all about murderers- how about that, Sylvia?
Sylvia: Why of course, Signor Rodrigo- (turning to her imaginary work mate) Lulu, it's him!
Everyman: (of Sylvia) What a powerhouse of a woman ! A little, pocket-sized goddess.
Sylvia: (to her imaginary workmate) That was him, Lulu- oh, his voice and do you know what he said to me?
Walter: Sylvia!
Everyman: (to Walter) Now then, Hairishness, Brutishness!
Walter: I'm speaking! Listen to me.
Sylvia: (tense) I start work tomorrow. Go ahead, Lulu, what happened next?
Walter: You start work tomorrow, but you're working from home, stupid bitch, from home. There'll be nobody to see your false nails or your stupid hairdo, and you wont have any phone calls and you won't have anybody, not anybody to speak to- do you understand?
Pause.
Everyman: Calm down there, husband.
Sylvia: Excuse me, Lulu. Sir, would you mind sitting down, Mr.Chong will be with you in a minute, and please refrain from raising your voice in the office.
Walter: (pushing Sylvia back and smashing her 'typewriter' to the floor) There is no office, there is no type-a-fucking writer, no Ching, no Lulu, no Chong; there is nothing, nothing, nothing!
Sylvia: Why did you have to do that? Why? I know there's no real office, I know there won't be any other secretaries to talk to, or customers to flirt with, or tea breaks to smoke in, I know there won't be any of that, but I'm allowed to pretend aren't I, I'm allowed to imagine it all?
Walter: Sylvia, I've hurt your feelings and that is a terrible thing.
Everyman: (entering the platform and raising a chair to kill Walter) Let me squash you like a bug.
Walter: Come on, I'll help you set up your desk again; look, it's good as new. I'm sorry, Sylv, really I am-
The doorbell rings. All stop stock still and turn towards the door.
Sylvia: That must be Fidel Castro! Quick back to normal.
Everyman replaces the chair and brushes himself down.
Fidel Castro: Greetings, decadent Westerners, it is I: Fidel Castro. I will be continuing my research in your midst this evening, so please, continue living a model evening.
All: Hi, Fidel Castro!
Everyman: Wow! A real communist!
Walter: Welcome! Future Perfect, my happy, creative, well-fed daughter, will order us all a pizza.
Fidel Castro: Please, don't try to tempt me into your ways, gringo. Continue being normal, I will take pictures; please, pretend I am not here.
Walter: We're all equal here, Mr Castro; ignoring you would be rude and rudeness is a terrible sin.
Fidel Castro: I am not here.
Walter: Sure you're here and I am Walter and this is Sylvia and this is our home: see, we're all here.
Fidel Castro: I will not speak another word- I am not here, full stop. Take that!
Fidel snaps at Walter with his Polaroid. Walter 'magically' can no longer see him.
Everyman: Great shot! Can I have your autograph?
Fidel Castro gives him his autograph and signals to him to keep quiet.
Walter: Well, what a way to be! I guess it's the same with all those famous people- one minute here, next minute gone! Back to normal for us, then.
Sylvia: (bawling) Fidel! Fidel! I loved him, I wanted him to take me away!
Walter: What? Filthy minded shrew, wanted to commit acts of nookie and adultery right under my snout, did you? Well, he's buggered off now, gone and left you, so its serves you right.
Sylvia: Fidel! Fidel! Fidel!
Fidel Castro: Shhh! Don't cry, my little angel, I am here beside you and no-one can see us. (He clings to Sylvia's leg)
Everyman: So that's your game: a muff-diving trooper!
Sylvia: (ecstatically) Fidel! Fidel!
Walter: Order me that pizza, will you, Future Perfect? I want it with cheese, tomatoes, onions..
Everyman: Castro, prepare to meet the castrator!
Everyman chases Fidel who is chased by Sylvia around the stage. Farce.
Walter: Capers, pineapple, olives, pastrami, salami...
Everyman: Walter, you turkey, come and help me tame this goat.
Sylvia: You look like you're in pain, my love.
Fidel Castro: These are the tortures of love, my love.
Everyman: (tapping Walter on the shoulder) Hey! Walter!
Walter: Gherkins, sundried raisins and extra, extra mozzarella!
Everyman: OK you low-down, stinking, farcical derivatives, all of you: how the hell do I get into this damned melodrama? (The doorbell rings.) The pizza! (Everyman places himself on the other side of the door.)
Sylvia: Walter! There's somebody at the door! I'm frightened, it could be anybody, don't let them in! Walter, what are you doing? (She hides Castro under her skirt)
Walter: (terrified at the same time) Opening the door....
Everyman: Haha! Guess what?
Walter: What?
Everyman: (tweaking Walter's nose) I got in! I'm in! So, this is the game show is it? Bit cruddy. I can see your keeping me out was all part of the initiation procedures; not bad, not bad at all- but not good enough! (to audience) Hello, folks! Bet you wish you could be me now, don't you? But you have to be chosen, needless to say. Never mind, I know that you're all with me all the way and thanks, thanks, thanks for your support; I'll be needing it throughout my adventures tonight.
The scene is played in double time from now on and increases in pace until it becomes hysterical.
Walter: Oh my God, what have I done? I've opened the door and let in a murderer.
Everyman: (naming them triumphantly) The Adulteress, the Weak Husband, Fidel the Cartoon Communist and a mysterious figure in the middle of it all, controlling, twisting things; an image of destiny- or, or, Chance; a figure of Chance!
Walter: I knew it, look at his colour combinations, look at his jowls, look at his fingers- if only I'd looked through the peephole!
Sylvia: Walter, you have to save us. Become a hero, quickly.
Everyman: Judges, take note: I bring light where there was darkness, answers where there was only doubt. Walter, we have to go under her skirt.
Sylvia: What's he talking about, Walter?
Walter: Raped in front of my very eyes! O, mercy!
Everyman: And I need you to help me.
Walter: An accomplice to the act! You louse!
Everyman: Me Everyman, you spouse. (Conductor breaks into a coughing fit) Whoa, don't jump the gun, you haven't seen anything yet.
Sylvia: Fidel, reach for the knife! (to Everyman) If you come any closer, I'll scream, really I'll scream.
Everyman: Don't scream- sing.
Walter: Just do what he says, do exactly what he says.
Everyman: Now, pull!
Sylvia: O my god!
Everyman: Pull, Walt, we'll make this goat sing.
Walter: He wants you to sing, Sylvia, so sing!
Everyman: Pull!
Walter: Sing!
Sylvia: O my god!
Everyman: Pull!
Walter: Sing!
Sylvia: O my god!
Everyman: Aha! Look at this, Walter! The fiend still snivelling at her thigh!
Sylvia: Walter, the knife, the knife!
Walter: (grabbing the knife) Aha! Look at this, intruder!
Everyman: Cut off his lips first, then his penis. I don't blame you, really, I don't. But just let me take a picture of him first: moments like this, they're big, Walt, formative: they need to be captured.
Sylvia: What are you waiting for? Stick it in his gut, kill him, kill him, I said.
Walter: Wait a minute Sylvia, you can't kill a man while he's trying to take a picture. (Sylvia faints.)
Everyman: (giving him Polaroid) There you go, Walt; keepsake. Enough to put tears in any man's eyes. I'm sorry it was me who had to.. well, you know. But, I'll be here, Walt, I'll stand by you and you can tell me everything.
Fidel Castro: You bastard! You meddling gringo! Now I have to go and shoot myself! (Shoots himself)
Walter: (looking at the developing image) Shut up, Future Perfect.
Everyman sprawls on the easy chair and immediately falls asleep. Walter remains knife and photo in hand, Sylvia is weeping on the floor. Walter reassumes the posture of the Conductor.
Conductor: That was his first mistake. The kitchen knife placed on her left throughout the scene was intended for me. If we play things back a little you'll all be able to see clearly where he went wrong. (to Everyman) Hey, you! Can I borrow you for a minute please?
Everyman: I love demonstrations.
All the actors reassume their positions as before for the replay.
Everyman : Walter we have to go under her skirt.
Sylvia: What's he talking about, Walter?
Walter: Raped in front of my very eyes! O, mercy!
Everyman: And I need you to help me.
Walter: An accomplice to the act- you louse!
Everyman: Me Everyman, you spouse; (picks up knife) I am Everyman, unpredictable as a bursting bomb, unplottable as the surging wave and random in thought and act as a lone piranha in a picturesque lake!
Everyman raises the knife to stab the Conductor. The re-play freezes momentarily, then dissolves. Everyman goes back to sleep on the easy chair.
Conductor: There are many possibilities, but none is so compelling as the possibility of error: tonight belongs to either of us.
Scene 5:
Conductor: Hello.
Everyman: I like it very much here, thank you. Lots of space, nice people, I bet you've even got toilets with beedays for dirty arses and Jacuzzis back there.
Conductor: You've got to be congratulated.
Everyman: Me? Why?
Conductor: You got here so quick.
Everyman: Well, you know, as soon as they told me- I mean that lady and gentleman back there- you're assistants...
Conductor: Yes.
Everyman: Sure, well, as soon as they told me I'd been chosen- zoom, brroom, papoom- I was here in a flash.
Conductor: No regrets?
Everyman: Regrets? Hell, no. I wish I could just get to a phone or something and tell my wife the great news, get her down here with her camera, you know, that would be nice.
Conductor: She's been informed.
Everyman: Has she? That's efficiency for you!
Conductor: She's coming by cab.
Everyman: That's good. Is it far? I mean, come to think of it, I still don't know where we are exactly...
Conductor: We're not far away- (pointing to audience) look, they all made it.
Everyman: Oh, I nearly forgot: hello again.
Conductor: Now, you're sure you don't recognise me?
Everyman: Let's see, the nose looks familiar- ha ha, only joking. No, I've never seen you before in my life.
Conductor: Sure?
Everyman: Sure.
Conductor: Because if you'd have recognised me, you'd be disqualified this instant and you would be free to go and you would get into your car and you would drive home.
Everyman: Phew!
Conductor: You're a surprising competitor; so young, so optimistic.
Everyman: I've kept my head down all my life, sold urinals, actually: hundreds- thousands. I But I've never won anything before in my whole life and all this is like a dream to me. But I'm hungry, believe you me, yes sir-ee; I am hu-nn-ngree! Dying, just dying to get in there and win-win-win.
Conductor: Well, let's not waste anymore time.
Everyman: OK.
Conductor: Here's 10 Dollars to start you off with.
Everyman: Thanks!
Conductor: You've got half an hour to spend them in.
Everyman: Wait don't start counting yet- wait, wait, wait.
Conductor: And there's just one more thing.
Everyman: What's that?
Conductor: (pulling out knife) See this?
Everyman: Yes.
Conductor: You're going to use this tonight.
Everyman: Am I?
Conductor: To kill someone.
Everyman: Oh.
Conductor: But you're only allowed to use it once. Only once.
Everyman: OK.
Conductor: Here take it.
Everyman: Do I have to?
Conductor: Some people like to play games Everyman, I don't like to play games and I don't like it when other people play games. But some people do, people you'd never, ever suspect and yet they do. But you don't want to play games do you, Everyman?
Everyman: No.
Conductor: Good. I'm glad they've chosen you- someone so young- it makes me feel my job is all the more worthwhile But, as you know, Everyman, every Game Show needs a wide selection of semi-mythological characters.
Everyman: Absolutely.
Conductor: And every Game Show worth it's salt, has to have a particularly dark and ambiguous individual somewhere along the way.
Everyman: Big Bad Wolf- Ivan Kazamabof- Ming the Merciless- Iago the villain- Aha! The Devil!
Conductor: The Devil. It has to have a devil in it somewhere. And, like Mama told us, the Devil he comes in many forms, coming to prey on weaker men, coming to play with them- (throws him knife) catch!- shady games with them - where's the lovely lady?- and every second devouring, devouring- so beware! But you'll recognise the devil when you see him, won't you, Everyman? Cigar?
Everyman: Thanks.
As Everyman lights his cigar, the lights go out and gangsters burst in firing machine guns in a Chicago gangster style war across the length of the theatre space. Everyman hides in the audience.
Scene 6: Round 2: Cardboard Cut Outs and Gangsters.
As the gunfire dies down, the painted backdrop of a misty port with a big city in the background is rolled onto the stage. Sound of fog horns and water lapping against the quayside. The Conductor, now Giacomo, enters wearing a big moustache, diamond rings and a heavy overcoat. He carry's a briefcase under one arm and is trailing Tiger, a floozy in a tiger skin, on his other arm. She has a boa round her neck and is very drunk. The fog horns recur regularly throughout the episode.
Tiger: That's enough, boys. You're all giving me a headache with your pistols. Giacomo tell them to stop. Giacomo, Giacomo.
Giacomo: Cut it out! Anybody gives my dame toothache gets to visit the shrink.
Tiger: Now it's gone all quiet, now I'm gonna get bored. Giacomo why don't you take me to some swish whisky joint and show a girl a good time instead of dragging me around to see the fish.
Giacomo: If we're not in Jojo's in twenty minutes, I swear on my mother's grave I'll pull off this moustache, toots.
Tiger: I love your moustache, tachey, tachey-too, (pulling his moustache) give it to me Giacomo, will you give it to Tiger?
Giacomo: I'll give you one mushed-up face, baby. Let go of my moustache, dumb broad. OK That's better, now where's Mickey the Knife?
Tiger: I wish Mickey would come, Mickey's a swell guy, Mickey knows how to treat a lady. Mickey! Mickey!
Giacomo: Lay off, sweetie-pie. Mickey! Mickey the knife!
Tiger: (spotting Everyman) I can see you! Come out, come out wherever you are! (fetching him) Look what I found, Giacomo.
Giacomo: Where the hell you been, dumbass. O.K. kid, listen up, here's the dough. Now you're gonna get in that boat with Tiger here and you're gonna row over the other side of the bay, got it? And stay there till I come back.
Everyman: I hear and obey.
Giacomo: What you been reading, creep? Just say OK.
Everyman: OK.
Giacomo: OK Papa!
Everyman: OK Papa.
Tiger: Mickey! Come on Mickey and gimme a ride in your speed boat.
Giacomo: And I got men watching you from both sides, so no goofin' around with the Virgin Mary there unless you feel like feeding the fish tonight. (he exits)
Tiger: You finished gabbing? All you gangsters do is gab, gab, gab.
Everyman: Allright, Tiger, hold on tight. Here we go. (pushes boat off)
Tiger: Oh! I've fallen right on my backside. What a coincidence. Help me Mickey.
Everyman: Here you go, pussycat, grab a hold of my arm. (she pulls him down on top of her)
Tiger: Pussycat? Pussycat? How can you talk like that when we're in the middle of the bay, with mist all around us and no-one here, no, no, no not no-one here but Tiger and Mickey?
Everyman: Tiger, we've got to stay awake and guard the loot. You heard the Big Boss; this is a test and there are boys watching us.
Tiger: Boys, boys, boys. All boys talk about is boys. All right I'll let you off, but only if you row me to Cuba. Yeah, that's where I wanna go, Cuba. All the men have guitars there and there always trying to kiss the American girls. So row me fast. (Tiger starts to rumba inside the boat)
Everyman: Am I rowing fast enough?
Tiger: No, faster! Rumba, rumba!
Everyman: Faster? All right, but only if you sit down.
Tiger: Rumba, Rumba, Rumba! Look at me Mickey, I'm dancing all for you; you're my hero, Mickey - rumba, rumba, rumba-
Everyman: Tiger, sit down you're rocking the boat.
Tiger: Not until you kiss me, kiss me, kiss me-
Everyman: I'll kiss you, I'll kiss you, just sit down.
Tiger: Rumba, Rum- (Everyman kisses her)
Tiger: (Taking out a small gun) Now I've found you out, traitor!
Everyman: What are you doing?
Tiger: I'm pulling a gun on you, dumbass. Giacomo told me to watch out for traitors like you, trying to get all the best broads and steal all his money and then lie low and slink out of town on a rainy night. Well now I've caught you and I'm gonna shoot you- gangster style!
Everyman: You slimy snake!
Tiger: That's right, honey, I'm a snake: (cupping her breasts) These are my apples and your name's Eve. Kneel down before me!
Everyman: What for?
Tiger: So I can shoot your head clean off. I've been dreaming of this, night after night, and now with all this mist, the whole thing feels just like one of my dreams. (Sound of a fog horn from a nearby boat) What's that?
Everyman: It sounded like... The Transatlantic!
Tiger: It sounded close, Mickey, real close. (fog horn, louder) Hey!
Everyman: Hey, boat!
Tiger: Hey, hey, Captain! Shit! Row, Mickey, row! Get us out the way!
Fog horn, unbearably close. Everyman and Tiger look up and see the hull rising above their heads. Each dives into the water from either end of the boat. High pitched sea sounds from the violin, harmonics. Everyman and Tiger walk past each other, without seeing one another, their movements underpaced, slowed by the weight of water.)
Tiger: (her voice distorted) Everyman? Everyman? Everyman? (Exit)
Scene 7: Round 3: Mermaids and Monsters.
Chance, a mermaid with a long, shiny tail, sits on the roof of Everyman's car. Inside the car, the sea-monster in his grotto is gnawing on the remains of a large fish bone. The mermaid's lines are projected onto a wall, silent movie-style.
Everyman: Wow: A mermaid! I never thought they were real. It's so beautiful- you're so beautiful! But why are you filling the sea with all this sadness?
Mermaid: Don't come any closer! If he sees you- you're dead.
Everyman: Who is he?
Mermaid: Lars Arsesson- the Swedish oil engineer. He's a monster and I'm his captive.
Everyman: A captive? O, my beauty! Where is he? Ah! I see him, eating fish! Mighty ugly, too.
Mermaid: Keep away!
Everyman: Too late, I love you too much! Lars the Arse is my mortal enemy: I'll start by knocking out his teeth.
Mermaid: He has big teeth!
Everyman: And I am carnivorous!
Mermaid: Our love is doomed..
Everyman: I must avenge your sadness. Monster of the deep! Lars, you fat troll, prepare to meet the tax collector!
Lars burps loudly, throws the fish skeleton in front of him and emerges from the car. Everyman steps up and punches him on the nose, they have a Punch & Judy swashbuckling scrap. Chance plays a musical accompaniment, as if to silent film.
Everyman is about to be strangled...
Mermaid: The fishbone!
Everyman grabs the fish bone and clubs Lars to death.
Everyman: I won.
Mermaid: We can never love.
Everyman: We'll find a way.
Everyman drifts away.
Mermaid: The tide- it's too strong!
Everyman: Where are you going, don't be like that, where are you? Speak to me, swim towards me, call out my name!
Scene 8:
Game Show music.
Everyman: So there you are! Where the hell have you been?
Conductor: Watching you.
Everyman: How many points have I got?
Conductor: Lots.
Everyman: Lots and Lots?
Conductor: We are all very impressed.
Everyman: Yeah? Well I'm not- no way, brother Schmuck! I've been here half an hour already and haven't had one slither of gratification, not one hit of pleasure, not one smack of vertigo or of feeling bigger than I am, stronger than I am, faster, crueller, more magnificent, more significant than I already am: Nothing! And I haven't even killed anybody yet- except Lars the Arse, but that wasn't me and he doesn't count.
Conductor: Chew on this. (gives him a box of popcorn)
Everyman: Popcorn! Fantastic.
Conductor: Do you want the truth?
Everyman: (his mouth full) Truth? Truth? I want points, I want prizes, I want to bash out brains. (the Conductor starts to cry) What? What's the matter? Why are you crying?
Conductor: It's such a shame, such a waste....
Everyman: What's a shame? What have I done?
Conductor: When I hear you talk like that I remember all the things we'd hoped for; all the things we'd wanted for you and thought you would achieve- when you first started, I mean, when you were so strong and youthful and full of desire.
Everyman: I still am strong: look at me! (Conductor looks & sobs louder) Aren't I doing well? Am I.. Am I losing?
Conductor: They mustn't see this; if they saw me like this, they'd kill me- there, right there in the corner: I've seen them do it. (attempts to leave)
Everyman: Wait- tell me the score, I need to know the score!
Conductor: Have you met the devil yet?
Everyman: Not yet, but I'm just waiti-
Conductor: Things have to get darker now; from now on everything will become more bloody, more diseased-
Everyman: Now what about some prizes-
Conductor: It has to be that way! The wolf's eyes shine brightest in the dark! You are a wolf, a lone hunter, the darkness is your friend- befriend it!
Everyman: And where are you going to be? How come I never see you in all these adventures? I begin to suspect you! From now on I want you by my side, where I can see you!
Conductor: Look at me, if I decided to kill you now, right now and rip open your chest and cut out your heart to read it like a page in a book and read all its thoughts to find out what you are really thinking, Everyman - if this ultimate thing was possible- would I wait for someone to help me, would I ask for people to be with me, hold my hand and watch me while I did it? (Everyman shakes his head) I would kill you alone and stick my fingers in your chest alone and feel for your thumping heart and rip it out alone until all your howls and all your screaming were nothing more than the radiant extension of my one insatiable impulse. Forget everything, forget me, forget your past, forget society, forget yourself- it's your only chance.
Everyman: I've read lots of biographies of great artists who break all ties with the world, and smash up everything before they can even pick up a pencil. I must become a mini-Picasso which is the only way a man can win in this world- I see that now.
Conductor: You will be more alone than you have ever been; you must walk like Job into the desert!
Everyman: A mini-Picasso, a mini-Goya, a mini-Nietsche, a mini-Coca-Cola! Walk like Job into the desert- sod that! So thirsty- damned popcorn; and the sun's staring down at me with eyes ready to eat me... (sound of vultures) Buzzards! Another test for my resilience! I'll pretend to be a pterodactyl, that should spook them. Craaa! Craaa! Need some water, my throat's drying up! Craaa! Craaa! Water! Water!
Scene 9: Round 4: Coca Cola
Guntha, the overzealous, German Coca-Cola salesman enters with a pair of binoculars and a back pack.
Guntha: Craaa! Craa! How do you do that? I've been trying for days. Hi, I saw you from miles away- you must be dying for a drink.
Everyman: How long have I been here?
Guntha: Hours. Maybe days. You're far-out, though, delirious already.
Everyman: Have you been watching me?
Guntha: All the way. You are a really funny guy. What are you? A novelist, a tourist, a poet? We've been laying bets on you, me and the guys. Now, if you're a suicide, which was also on the cards- well, hey, no problem- I respect people, I'll just leave you here.
Everyman: No, wait, don't go- those buzzards.
Guntha: (making signals to his base) Not suicide! Don't worry about them, now I'm here they won't bother us. I am a complete godsend to you, in a few hours you'd be dead: this is the Sahara, the cruellest desert in the world, crazy guy. When some people first see me, they really think I'm an angel, sent by God to save them.
Everyman: Are you an angel?
Guntha: My name is Guntha.
Everyman: Guntha the angel?
Guntha: Guntha the Coca-Cola salesman: Surprise! So, what would you like? I've brought a wide selection of things, even when you're dying a human being has the right to choice. So, how about it, I've got the hat, the umbrella, the jacket, the T-shirt, the bag: and here's the 2 litre bottle, the can, the traditional glass bottle, and right here is my personal favourite, the miniature 5 ml bottle- she's so cute? I mean look at her.
Everyman: I need some water first- damned popcorn, nearly killed me.
Guntha: Take your time, think about it: your needs, your image, all that. This sort of thing's important.
Everyman: Give me some water.
Guntha: No.
Everyman: I've got money, I'll pay you.
Guntha: No! No water, no such thing as water- come on! Stop making me angry, guy, or I'll go and leave you to the buzzards. (sound of buzzards)
Everyman: No, please, look I'll take this one, this big one.
Guntha: Nice choice, sir. $2 please.
Everyman: Here, take that. (gives him $10 bill) You've saved the life of a man. A great man. An artist.
Guntha: I too am a great artist.
Everyman: Saved!
Guntha: Hold it right there, you! (snatches bottle from Everymans lips) This is a 10 dollar bill and this bottle costs 2 dollars.
Everyman: Keep the change.
Guntha: What? I knew it! How dare you! What are trying to suggest- that I cheat you! CHEAT A CUSTOMER!
Everyman: Give me that back, I don't care if you cheat me.
Guntha: Look at this badge, LOOK! It says 'Hi! My name is Guntha, I'm your Company Sales Representative'. Do you know what that means to me? I write poetry about what that means to me! It means Coca-Cola loves me, me Guntha! And I am a living microcosm of total world harmony, a human miniature of Universal Order and that whatever I do here alone in the desert has repercussions throughout the Solar System! Therefore I love you, I care for you and even if the world were annihilated now in front of our eyes and we were the last two human beings left on earth, I would never, ever cheat you - Yaaah! people like you disgust me! You're disgusting!
Everyman: Give me the bottle, or I'll kill you!
Guntha: I'll kill you!
They are both tugging at the bottle, spilling its contents to the floor.
The sound of helicopter blades approaching, Guntha stops to look through his binoculars.
Guntha: Shit! That's my boss, he's doing an inspection. He must have seen me fighting with a customer- shit! Shit! Shit! Take out your knife.
Everyman: No way!
Guntha: I beg you.
Everyman: What for?
Guntha: Keep fighting me, keep waving your arms about. I'll tell them you're an environmentalist, or I'll say that you're a primitive Bedouin intent on killing a Westerner; keep fighting me- they can see us.
Everyman: OK here's the knife, now what?
Guntha: They're above us. Come on, cut me, cut me here on my arm and make it look like I'm trying to defend the company to the death.
Everyman: How about in the ribs? That would look much better.
Guntha: Good idea. I'll make a move for you- show the knife, hold it up! And you stab me here,
not too deep, though.
Everyman: Let's go!
Guntha: You bastard! You evil primitive tribesman!
Everyman: (stabbing him) There! There and there! (Helicopter moves away)
Guntha: Ohh. That's it, thank you.
Everyman: They've gone!
Guntha: Ooohhh, My god it hurts, it really hurts: thank you. Keep the bottle, I have to go now and tell them the whole story. Thank you so much, friend, you've been a real, real- oh, I don't know how to say it- a real human being.
Guntha exits, bleeding badly.
Everyman: Why did I let him get away- I should have killed him! ? That was an opportunity, that was a chance- wake up, wake up! What a fool! What a disgusting personality I'm turning into, what sort of measly points did I score out of that? Hey, Guntha, friend! Angel! Universal brother of man, come back I need to kill you! Everything that happens, happens for a reason; every little change in the lighting, every shape, every shadow, they're all significant! Openings, opportunities, chances, calling out to me, time itself gushing past, uttering my name - a man can't afford to waste time- what a killer that is. It's true that there comes a point in every game show when the final result is just a foregone conclusion, everything gets planned down to the finest detail, and I mean, all right, the contestant by his appearance, by the figure he strikes, his pose, his stature, his eloquence sets the tone a little bit, cuts into destiny's pie, but only to a degree! Then people start to expect things, a feeling of fate and pre-destination settles over the whole soup. And then things start to get inevitable and everything comes true one by one: heroes win the girls and disgusting personalities are thrown to the dogs -that's the magic of it all- and what am I doing? Wasting every chance I'm getting to prove myself- that stupid German, for example, he was a trail, no doubt about it- shit! (The interval lights begin to come up. Game Show music.) Everything is significant, nothing is trivial; whether I like it or not everything means something. (A little bulb emerges over a refreshments stall, selling drinks and popcorn.)
Conductor: This is the perfect moment for a break. There are drinks for sale over there and Coca Cola, we'll be back with you right after this break.
Scene 10: THE INTERVAL IS NOT AN INTERVAL
During the interval, the actors are seen relaxing and walking around the space, mingling with the audience. The Conductor entertains the audience, talking to different spectators getting them to stand up, speak their names into the microphone; he makes fun of their dress sense, asks them if they're enjoying the show, general PR.. etc.
Everyman is seen wandering into a corner and conversing with a technician. A few minutes pass and an altercation arises between them. Everyman stabs the Technician...
Everyman: (shouting) No, you say good night yoyo. Good night yoyo, yoyo, yoyo.
The murder is committed awkwardly, messily, in a corner somewhere. Everyman, at a total loss, tries to drag the body away. Conductor and others in genuine panic, run over to the scene.
The interval should last no longer than 4-5 minutes.
Conductor: What the fuck's this?
Everyman: I don't know, why? Shit, it's all right, though, isn't it?
Conductor: All lights out, now! (Blackout) Laura, the interlude!
A Woman, accompanied by Chance begins to sing in a violent cabaret style, a spotlight emerges over her. Meanwhile a group of people carrying torch lights gather around the Technician's body. Sound emerging from them are furtive- hushed expletives, some blows.
The Show is veering out of control. From now on all the actors sweat profusely and there is a frayed, tense edge to the playing styles.
Scene 11:
Conductor: Everyman, your wife is here.
Everyman: Where?
Conductor: Calm down, she's in the reception area; there's a TV and everything- she's fine. I don't want her to see you now; things are going better, you're doing better all the time, but we don't want her to see you like this for Christ's sake.
Everyman: What should I do- hide?
Conductor: Get rid of her!
Everyman: How?
Conductor: Up to you, treat it like any other adventure.
Everyman: (looking at knife) Why did you come so soon, my love? I'm swimming and drenched in blood, I'm turning into a monster- (turning on the Conductor)- in the belly, or in the throat?
Conductor: Give me that.
Everyman: No chance.
Conductor: You've used it once, that's it.
Everyman: No, I need it, I'm reading all the signs, psychoanalysing the subtext; I've killed one but there may be more, there may be more scenes with ambiguous individuals and, like you said- devils!
Conductor: Drink this. (gives him a beer)
Everyman: Thanks, you're being really good to me, I appreciate that and I'm going to improve beyond recognition. You'll be inspired by me, I'm going to inspire you -
Conductor: Shut up and get rid of your wife.
Everyman: How? Help me.
Conductor: Incompetent pig! Get out! Now!
An exit to the outside world is thrown open. Long pause.
Everyman: I'm sorry. (opens beer) Cheers.
Conductor: All right, let me see. (indicates towards the Man, who has entered) Take him with you, tell her you've bought him, you've spent all your money on buying him, every single penny of your wages. None left even for food, but who needs food, you won't need food, he's 24-hour living entertainment you wont need anything now you've got him.
Everyman: Who is he?
Conductor: Your slave, your punch-bag, your magic genie- whatever you like.
Everyman: She'll be crushed, she'll be cancelled, she'll probably run away with her head in her hands, sobbing! It's a great idea.
Conductor: I'll get the taxi ready, give me all your money.
Everyman: What for?
Conductor: In case she checks your pockets; women are unpredictable, we don't want any more delays, our airtime's nearly over.
Everyman: Here you go, it's exactly a month's wages.
Conductor: Hang on to these. (gives him more beers)
Everyman: Meet me in 15 minutes, I'll be a different man, unrecognisable even- to the world!
Scene 12: Round 5: Love Not the Way it was Meant to Be
Everyman sees Savetta, his wife. She is pretty, wears too much make-up and still retains the gaudy dress sense of former Eastern Bloc women, new to the West.. She sits on the television platform, under a naked light bulb.
Everyman: (to Man) Your name is... Mud. You are... my creation! Follow me. Savetta? Savetta!
Savetta: Well, have you won? What have you won? Come on show me, show me what you've won! When they told me you'd been picked I couldn't believe it- you've never won anything in you whole life and now this! I've already rung my mother and I've brought you some food and I've just been admiring all this furniture. Is it money? Lots? How much? Or is it a new car? I want to kiss you, I want to kiss you.
Everyman: Stand back and watch.
Savetta: Is he a friend of yours?
Everyman: Come in, boy, stand over there. Or- no- wait, clean my wife's shoes. That's it, good boy, lick them clean!
Savetta: Get him off me! Get this filthy brute off me! Let go of my leg! (kicks him away) He's filthy, he stinks. What's going on?
Everyman: All right, boy, that's enough! Get up and find us some food.
Savetta: Who the hell is he?
Everyman: Savetta, meet Mud, our slave. O Mud, O slave, meet your mistress, she is mighty!
Savetta: Are you all right? What have they done to you? You're covered in blood! (whispering) Should I- should I call the police? Speak to me!
Everyman: No way! He belongs to us, ours and he's with us for now and for always, or until death does us- or until one of us beats him to death. (remembering) You're my wife, aren't you? (Mud has started to rummage in the hamper) Yes, they're the sort of privileges you get when you buy a slave.
Savetta: Get out of there, you pig! (kicks him) Filthy tramp!
Mud: Food, food!
Savetta: Everyman, what's happened to you?
Everyman: Savetta, you don't understand-
Savetta: No, I don't understand-
Everyman: Well neither do I, I don't understand anything and so don't hit him again. Don't ever hit him, he's an innocent man and with this man we'll never need food ever again, do you understand me? And besides your food's shit.
Savetta: Oh my food's shit, is it, you ungrateful dog? My food is shit? I'm sorry, Mr Tramp, here you go: eat shit! (empties hamper over floor, Mud gobbles up food)
Everyman: Savetta, this isn't our place, this is not our home, I don't live here, I'm just here- what the hell do you think you're doing? Listen to me, I haven't won anything!
Savetta: What?
The following dialogue overlaps, neither has the possibility of hearing the other.
Everyman: Not a thing! Not one damned thing! He's all I've got left and I don't know why but I can't change that, so why have you come?
Savetta: Is this why people get lucky?
Everyman: You shouldn't have come- not here- I never rang you and told you where I was, I never claimed to know where I am- not in general, in general I'm OK-
Savetta: Is this why we wait all our lives, just hanging on, hoping, dreaming for a chance like this?
Everyman: But where I am exactly-
Savetta: Is this why we've worked all those years and obeyed all those laws and slept all those hours? Sleeping!
Everyman: You shouldn't have come here, this is not for here-
Savetta: Is this why I rung my mother and told her-
Everyman: Because he's a genie, he's fantastic, he can do anything we command and we can hit him all we want-
Savetta: I'm happy now, mother,
Everyman: And forget about food, we won't need food any more-
Savetta: Everything has changed now, mother-
Everyman: I've arranged everything, everything has suddenly got better, much better,
Savetta: Don't worry any more: I'm happy-
Everyman: I've progressed-
Savetta: Happier than I've ever been,
Everyman: I've progressed...
Savetta: Happy beyond recognition?
Everyman: So much I bet-
Savetta: Is this why I married you ?
Everyman: I bet you don't even recognise me anymore-
Savetta: Is this why I came here wanting to kiss you?
Everyman: I bet you can't even guess who I am. Can you guess who I am? Why are you looking at me like that? This is progress... he can do any thing we want, any thing we command.
Savetta: Oh can he? Can he do anything? Go out and bring me a new car. A new car!
Everyman: Don't ask for childish things, Savetta!
Savetta: A new car is childish, is it? What else can he do, then? Eh? Mud! Come over her and fuck your mistress!
Everyman: Savetta! I'm here.
Savetta: No you're not, you're not here. Mud!
Everyman: Allright, go on then Mud, do your mistress! (Mud looks embarrassed) Go on, do it. He's worth every penny, Savetta, every single drop of blood and sweat, that's what the man said! I am a very interesting man.
Savetta: Did you pay money? Who to? Why did you buy him?
Everyman: Yes! Yes! That's right, that's it!
Savetta: Give me the money.
Everyman: What money?
Savetta: Give me the money I gave you. The money this morning, to buy the tickets for the train, for the seaside this morning I gave you, I gave you our money. Now where's the money? Where's the fucking money?
Everyman: (pointing to Mud) Right here!
Savetta: The sea! The sea!
Everyman: Say something, Mud.
Mud: Why do you want to go to the sea, when we've got everything we need right here?
Everyman: See! He can speak!
Mud: Right there at home.
Savetta turns to leave.
Everyman: That's right, bugger off, that's just how we planned it, the Conductor and I. Stupid bitch, fell right into the trap-
Mud: Home entertainment, that's the ticket.
Everyman: Everyman wins again! Over man, woman, beast, visions and gorgons, dreams and dandelions- and I'll beat the Conductor, too...
Mud: And besides the sea is dirty-
Everyman: Beat all of them: Conductors, super-Conductors..
Mud: And besides-
Everyman: Heroes, super-heroes, super novas...
Mud: And besides the sea is dirty in June and it rains in September and besides-
Everyman: Have a drink, Mud, time I taught you how to be a bit more human: Arm out, neck back!
Savetta: And if I you told me, told me how much I suffer, I could tell you 'No'; there is no evil in this world, no evil at all, there is only what men dream and that is the funniest thing. (She sits, looking the floor.)
Everyman: Savetta, I love you, you don't know how much I love you. How could you? I'm full of lies tonight- he's a lie- ask him who he is- some bum I picked up and this whole place is a lie, these four walls and my adventures and you! You're here and I'm not even sure if I know you- but I do love you, Savetta and I'll prove it, I'll show you. You deserve it, you deserve more, you demand it. (The bonnet of a car drifts into the picture like a shark. Everyman clambers onto it) I'll be your martyr, Savetta, that's what I'll be. A real one- 20th Century. A martyr- can you see me? A man incapable of love is a rag, a corpse, a piece of ridicule; but I'm not a rat - I'm only half a man.
Mud pushes Everyman off into the darkness. Everyman is seen hanging by the neck.
Savetta: (Blankly) You've gone, where have you gone?
Scene 13:
A strong wind begins to blow, with cans and rubbish flying across the stage. Conductor, now a Blind Beggar, is shaking a tin on a street corner. The Man is singing.
Man: Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the King's horse and all the King's men, Couldn't put Humpty together again.
The other actors are present from now on, watching.
Everyman descends from the car bonnet.
Conductor: Penny for the blind! Penny for the blind!
Everyman: I want to leave this.
Conductor: Mister, mister, is it gone dark yet?
Everyman: I didn't say that!
Conductor: If it's dark I have to go, can't stay here in the dark.
Everyman: Where's my car? I want you to put me back in my car.
Conductor: Penny for the blind. Penny for the blind.
Everyman: No! I've lost my car, that's all, can't remember where I put it. I'm all right, I just want to find it, if I can remember where it is, then I'm fine.
Conductor: Trying to nab mi tin! (Shakes his tin) Tin, tin, tin! If I catch you, I'll skin you.
Everyman: I was near some studios. Are these the studios? I'm not lost! I'm just trying to remember.
Conductor: Mister, mister, is it gone dark yet?
Parts of his crashed car move towards him: bonnet, boot, doors.
Everyman: That's it! That's my car!
Conductor: Penny for the blind. Penny for the blind.
Everyman: Hey! Let me in, let me in!
The Conductor climbs into the driving seat, Everyman runs alongside the car. The Conductor shouts gaily at him.
Conductor: You look cold. Lost something?
Everyman: My shadow! I can't see my shadow!
Conductor: Can I help?
Everyman: Where's it gone?
Conductor: It can't just go.
Everyman: It's noon, that's why- is it noon?
Conductor: (loudly, as if asking somebody in the wings) Is it noon?
Voices: Is it noon? Is it noon? Is it noon?
Conductor: Sounds like we're in a cave.
Everyman: Hello!
Voices: Hello!
Everyman: Where am I?
Voices: Hi! Hi! Hi!
Everyman: If this is a cave- who are you?
Conductor: Guess!
Everyman: No, just tell me, tell me straight, tell me now, now, NOW!
Voices: Ciaou! Ciaou! Ciaou!
Conductor: No, you have to guess, it's fantastic, you'll love it- go on guess.
Everyman: Are you?
Conductor: Go on!
Everyman: You're not?
Conductor: I am!
Everyman: I'm not...
Conductor: Yes? Come on, speak! What's wrong with you?
Everyman: Am I?
Conductor: Mm?
Everyman: Dead?
Conductor: Don't panic: play!
Everyman: It's Death! You are Death!
Chance runs up and kisses him. Everyman is swaying and veering badly, he assumes a series of iconic characters, postures, tones. The Conductor indulges him, lights a cigar. He is like a toreador facing a drunken and bleeding bull.
Everyman: Romans! The long-awaited, nearly forgotten- because they've been hiding in the bushes so long like yellow-bellied, shitty pants- the dark and deadly Goths! They're here! Gather flint, sticks and iron! Kiss your women; give salt to your chickens and be led by Caesar! That's me! Insects, give us the speed of the cockroach! Birds, help me poo him in the eye! And crocodiles make me strong as Tarzan!
Conductor: I could have met you on a windy day or a rainy night, I could have met you on a dusty road, a snaking road; at a crossroads or at the lights. I could have put a cold hand upon you and said 'What's your name?' 'Everyman is my name- Everyman' 'Everyman, I've been looking for you.' But have I ever asked you your name? Have I? You told me your name - you wanted it known!
Everyman: Yeah? Well I've been looking for you! Yes, sir, there's a whole wad of buckeroonees on your little arse, you're one popular n' ugly rooster- dead or alive. Un-huh! And it bein' a lawng way back to town and me bein' not keen on your line o' chit-chat, I'm gonna put you on the choo-choo train right now, muchacho- Wooo! Choo-Choo!
Conductor: I could have held up a mirror to you like a cheap barber and shown you the whole of your wretched existence streaming past- with mama and papa and footballs and haircuts and cigarettes and sherbet and movies and first kiss and bruised knees and blood on the sheets and lollies at the beach- have I ever shown you a mirror? Have you seen yourself tonight?
Everyman: I am a man steeped in blood so far that to turn back now were as weary as go o'er- no! Speak! Speak! Am a wight of wild words and wicked deeds, am the night and noise of dream after dream, am the X-ray of this darkness- a horse that runs before you is a sight that can't be seen.
The Conductor sits him down.
Conductor: I did none of these things. Because you just walked in here, because this is a fun place and fun is fun and you're a free man. Your choice! Your choice! Remember? Answer me! Nobody chooses to end fun, nobody chooses to stop fun and did I ever show you the way to suicide? Did I ever do anything other than give form to your mind's filthy fog, giving you movement, giving you horsepower, giving you speed- that's what you asked for, isn't it? And now you're in the labyrinth, and now you're afraid- don't call me Death, don't ever call me Death, or I might have to kill you, really, really kill you- but it's too late for that; because you've nearly won, yes, nearly won- exciting isn't it? Just one more gate to open, one more field to cross, the final girl to love, the last of the wolves to kill. Are you ready, Everyman- really, really ready? Time turns cannibal and eats its own kin.
The Conductor sets Everyman off with a pat on the back. Everyman runs madly around the arena in which his dislocated car is assembled and then covered with chintzy silk and made to look like a prize car. He runs in circles for a long time.
Game show music.
Conductor: (to the audience) Doesn't he look fantastic? If any of you want to take pictures this is the moment to do it. I hope I don't disappoint anybody if I tell you that this is one of the spiritual highlights of tonights whole show. His mind's running so fast his imagination can hardly keep up. He's grown weary of this world, our world, the one we are stood in, and observing him from; he hungers for the Invisible, the Untouchable, the Heavenly Forms. You're looking at the modern equivalent of something like a holy man, a transcendental being, a platonic man, a tiny Saint Anthony, starving in a cave, maybe dead and yet! Jogging! Like a happy man through heaven, pounding through the endless supermarkets of the mind.
The Conductor pulls a string and the human sized replica of Everyman falls into the car from a great height. All is silent.
Everyman: I'm there, I'm there.
END